


Underneath It's Just A Perfect Storm

by SilverGoddess666



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Characters are a little OOC, Other, no actual shipping but can be read as klance, trigger warning: suicide attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-10
Updated: 2018-08-10
Packaged: 2019-06-24 17:59:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15635847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverGoddess666/pseuds/SilverGoddess666
Summary: There's always been a blanket of clouds over him. Most days, depression was just another thing he had to deal with, but Lance knew he was going to snap eventually.





	Underneath It's Just A Perfect Storm

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry if this is painfully OOC. Tbh, this is just me projecting. I know that I'm not really portraying the characters correctly, but I wrote this more for me than for the sake of accuracy with the characters.
> 
> Trigger Warning: In case you didn't read the tags/rating, this does contain a suicide attempt.

Lance squinted against the lights as they got brighter from the castle’s timer. Allura had set them on a rotation similar to Earth’s to maintain a sense of time and sleeping patterns.

 

Lance was normally awake long before they came on.

 

Sometimes, he could go back to sleep. But on mornings like this one, he’d find himself staring listlessly at the wall for hours, his thoughts buried deep in his own head. It could be a dangerous place.

 

But he knew if he wasn’t up soon, someone would come looking. So, with a huff of breath, he pushed himself upright, letting his legs flop to the floor. His body felt like it was encased as lead as he walked to the bathroom to start his morning skincare routine. Sometimes, it was only to keep up with the familiar pattern. Small and inconsequential as it might sound, it helped him maintain a sense of normalcy to do it every day, just like he used to do back home, even though, sometimes, he didn’t feel up to it. It felt like a small victory that he would accomplish even that, at times.

 

Staring at his own reflection for a few minutes, he couldn’t help but notice how empty his eyes looked. Blinking a few times, he ran a hand through his hair before smoothing it back down, and shooting the mirror an easy smirk.

 

His mask was familiar and comfortable.

 

He joined the others for breakfast a few minutes later, sliding in at his usual place between Keith and Hunk. Hunk was currently fiddling with the food goo dispenser. The gentle giant had made it his goal to somehow make the good taste better. It wasn’t altogether too bad in the first place, but everyone was long sick of the taste.

 

“Honestly?” Pidge began as she poked at her bowl of goo. “I’d kill and and all of you without remorse to taste bacon again.”

 

“I second that.” Keith chimed.

 

“I’m pretty sure everyone does.” Pidge replied.

 

“Nah, Hunk loves me too much.” Lance joked, poking Hunk. “Right, buddy?”

 

Hunk was quiet for a minute, having to think about the answer far too long in Lance’s opinion. “Lance...I don’t know man. I _really_ miss bacon.”

 

“I’m hurt.”

 

“Then put a bandaid on it.” Keith retorted, receiving a light glare from Lance.

 

“What is ‘bacon’?” Allura asked curiously.

 

“Deep fried goodness.” Lance responded immediately.

 

“Amen to that.” Hunk followed.

 

“Probably one of the best things humans ever came up with, honestly.” even Shiro said. “At this point, I might even take Pidge’s side?”

 

“Seriously? Oh Great Leader would kill us all for bacon?” Lance teased.

 

“Maybe.”

 

A round of laughter sounded off from the other paladins, petering off into idle chit chat as the meal continued.

 

After breakfast, they were given half an hour before they were to meet up for group training. Lance found his light mood from breakfast quickly declining as he made his way to Blue’s hangar, somewhere he found himself often when his own mental walls were trying to close in on him.

 

He settled into the pilot’s seat, tucking one leg beneath him. His eyes glanced around at the dim controls, and words from Iverson came unbidden into his mind.

 

_“Just remember that the only reason you’re here is because the best pilot in your class flunked out because of a discipline issue.”_

 

Right. He had never earned his place in the Garrison, not really. It was only sheer luck that got him in, and his constant failures never ceased to remind him of that.

 

He wondered what would happen if he just took Blue flying right now. Or how damaged she’d be if he deliberately crashed into something.

 

Or how hard it would be to replace him as a Paladin.

 

Blue gave him a mental nudge as his thoughts began to devolve once again. This was why he came here so often. He didn’t feel like he had to put on a brave face around Blue, she already knew him inside and out. Every insecurity, every ounce of self-doubt, every time he entertained the thought of hurting himself, even though he never actually planned to do anything. The thoughts were still there, regardless of whether or not he ever planned to act on them.

 

It wasn’t hard, honestly. The smallest words or jabs, even the ones meant a as a joke, would stay with him for hours, if not days. Every time he made a stupid mistake in training, every time a minor slip up in battle affected the team, every time he did anything less that perfect...it made him wonder why he of all people was a part of Voltron at all.

 

There were so many other people that were better pilots, better fighters, better shots, better at fixing things...just _better_ than Lance. So why was he here? He didn’t contribute anything special to Voltron. Yeah, he was a _pretty good_ shot, but he had little doubts that someone else could probably fill that gap. He wasn’t the strongest or fastest, his Lion wasn’t particularly useful in any situation unless they were underwater, which considering they were in _space_ , wasn’t often.

 

He made rash, poorly informed decisions which often hurt the team more than helped it. He chattered away in an attempt to distract himself from his own mind, but only succeeded in annoying the others in doing so.

 

He was the weakest link in Voltron, and he knew it. He trusted too easily, which had gotten them in trouble more than once and had almost cost them the Blue Lion. He spent more time than anyone else in healing pods because he couldn’t protect himself. What happened when he had to protect someone else too? He’d probably just get them both killed. If that happened, he hoped his replacement was at least more competent.

 

This time, Blue gave him more of a shove than a nudge, enough to make him visible flinch at the intrusion. “Sorry, girl. Everything can just be...a little much, sometimes.” A gross understatement, but Blue purred soothingly nonetheless.

 

_“Hey Lance, you in there, buddy?”_

 

Lance started at the voice, glancing through the window to see Hunk by the intercom. Shit. Hunk was the most perceptive on Lance’s behavior, both because of their prior friendship and because Hunk already knew about his depression.

 

“Yeah, be down in a sec.” he replied, forcing a light tone.

 

He strolled down the bridge with his shoulders slung back and an easygoing grin on his face. “‘Sup.”

 

Hunk saw right through his charade. “You alright, man?”

 

“Yeah! Going over some pickup lines with Blue. She’s got the makings of a great wingman-” Blue hummed. “Eh, wingma’am?”

 

Hunk eyed him critically. “I dunno, you seemed a little off at breakfast. Are you sure you don’t want to talk to Allura about some kind of medication? I know you can’t exactly take it anymore, I doubt there’s a Walgreen’s in space but…”

 

“Dude, chill, I’m fine.” Lance said quietly. “I swear, it’s not that bad. I’m pretty sure everyone would be able to tell if it was. You don’t count because you know everything already.”

 

Hunk only looked half convinced. “Alright. Just promise me you’ll talk to me or Allura or someone if it gets any worse. I know it’s hard to be so far away from home.”

 

“I know Hunk. I promise if it gets that bad, I’ll take care of it.” Sure, that works.

 

“Okay.” Hunk seemed satisfied enough with this answer.

 

He almost hated how easy lying had become.

 

(*)

 

_“What the hell was that?!”_

 

Lance flinched at the yell, his hands jerking from where they were pulling his helmet from his head. “Keith, I-”

 

“You _knew_ you wouldn’t make that shot! Hunk could have been killed!” Keith’s voice only rose in volume.

 

Keith. It always came back around to Keith, didn’t it? He excelled at everything he put his mind to, rarely tasted failure, always the best of the best.

 

Keith’s words were always the ones that cut the deepest.

 

“I’m sorry.” Lance mumbled, head dipping down in shame.

 

“Keith-” Pidge tried to cut it, but it went unheard.

 

“‘Sorry’ doesn’t really cut it, Lance.” Keith’s gray eyes looked almost black when he glared. “If you’re just gonna get us killed, stay the hell off the lion.”

 

“ _Hey_ , that’s enough.” Hunk cut it. “You’re being a little harsh. I’m fine. Chill.”

 

Keith turned to Hunk, clearly ready to argue, but Shiro cut in before he could.

 

“Hunk’s right. Everyone needs to cool off. We’ll regroup on the bridge on a couple hours.” He sent a pointed look a Keith, who growled before stalking off, heavy footsteps echoing through the hangar. Pidge quickly skittered after him, clearly not wanting to be in the middle of what was going on. “Lance-”

 

“It’s fine, Shiro. He’s right. I can’t do reckless stuff like that.” Lance said, eyes never leaving the ground.

 

Shiro hesitated. “Well… that in particular is true. We all need to be careful.”

 

“It won’t happen again.”

 

Shiro frowned at his response, but didn’t say anything further, instead slowly turning and leaving.

 

Hunk reached out and grabbed Lance’s shoulder. _Are you_ really _okay_? The silent question was loud and clear.

 

Lance took a breath and slammed a lid firmly down on his tumultuous thoughts. “I’m good, bro. Just a little stressed, but I’m glad you made it out alright.”

 

Easier and easier. Guilt pushed against the lid.

 

Hunk’s eyes bored into his, and Lance refused to back down. _Just a little longer…_

 

“I’m gonna go clean up the kitchen a little, then you wanna come help me try for space brownies?” Hunk said.

 

Lance pushed a grin. “Hell yeah! We at least nailed the taste last time.”

 

Hunk laughed. “Just couldn’t bite them. Coran was actually asking what I put in them. Said he might could use it as cement for repairs.”

 

“Ninth time’s a charm, right?”

 

“Let’s hope so.”

 

Hunk waved a bit before heading off, one Lance quickly returned.

 

The second Hunk was gone, the lid came flying off.

 

(*)

 

“This is getting ridiculous.” Keith said, glaring at the door. “It’s been almost half an hour since you called us.”

 

“Easy man, you were kinda, well, mean earlier.” Pidge spoke.

 

“If me being ‘mean’ keeps him from pulling stupid stunts, then fine.” Keith tapped his fingers for a few more minutes, then lurched to his feet. “Whatever, he can just be mad at me.”

 

Hunk glanced up. “Keith, where are you-”

 

“I’m gonna go get the crybaby.”

 

“Wait, Keith-!” The pneumatic hiss of the door cut the sound off.

 

Keith’s steps were long and hard on the floor. His earlier anger had died down quite a bit, after several long training rounds, and in hindsight, even he knew he should apologize for acting like such an ass. He was right, but even Keith could admit Lance didn’t deserve to be treated like that.

 

Pressing the button to open the Blue Paladin’s quarters, Keith stepped inside. “Lance we’ve been waiting on you for-” Something wasn’t right. He didn’t know what, but something felt...off. “Lance?”

 

The bed was empty, and he couldn’t see anyone else in the room. Maybe the observation deck? He gave the bathroom a cursory glance before-

 

“ _Lance!”_

 

(*)

 

 _“Guys, get in here_ fast _!”_

 

Everyone jumped at Keith’s voice over the intercom, loud and panicked.

 

Hunk was the first one up, falling into a sprint the moment his feet touched the ground, fear sitting heavily in his gut. _C’mon Lance, no, you promised me…_

 

He could hear the footsteps of the other’s close behind, but it felt like he was running through water. It took way too long to get to Lance’s room, the door wide open.

 

“In here!” Keith’s voice cracked.

 

Hunk stepped forward, and the fear bloomed from his gut to his entire body instantly, like lead in his veins. Gasps chorused behind him.

 

Keith had Lance’s head in his lap, hands smeared with red where they were clamped firmly around the teen’s wrists. His eyes were glossed over, but no tears had fallen yet.

 

“Someone help me get him to a healing pod.” he said, his voice rough, but clear. “I can’t pick him up, I’m afraid to let go.” His voice broke on “go”, but the others were already moving.

 

Hunk grabbed Lance under his shoulders while Shiro took his legs, the Cuban boy’s head lolling against Hunk’s chest. His skin was pale, and he was a little too cold for comfort. Allura and Coran both left immediately to get the pod prepped.

 

Not that _any_ part of this was comforting.

 

Keith trotted awkwardly alongside them, trying to step around the scarily large puddle left on the ground. Pidge threw a towel over it and they all looked away before they could see red seep through it.

 

Pidge stayed in front of them, clearing the path and opening doors where needed until they made it to the med bay. Allura was already waiting with a tray of medical supplies.

 

“I need to close the gashes first, the pod won’t staunch the bleeding.” she said, picking up a curved needle as Shiro and Hunk laid Lance down on the table. Keith was breathing heavily, remaining in place while Pidge stuffed a cloth over Lance to keep blood from getting everywhere.

 

“Keith, you’re going to have to let go.” Allura said in a deceptively calm voice.

 

Keith was white as a sheet, but did as he was told, relinquishing his hold on one of Lance’s wrists. He immediately shut his eyes as red began to flow.

 

“Oh god, I’m gonna be sick.” Pidge murmured softly, turning away.

 

“He...He _promised_ he he’d tell me.” Hunk’s voice was barely above a whisper.

 

Shiro turned to him. “Did you know about this?” Referring to Lance’s mental health.

 

Hunk shakily nodded. “He’s had it since I met him at the Garrison. His family’s kinda huge, so he’s always had pressure on him. He used to be on medication, but that’s kinda hard to get your hands on in space.”

 

“Why didn’t he tell anyone?”

 

“Why doesn’t anyone ever tell people when they feel like that?” Hunk replied. “He already thinks he’s our weakest link, he didn’t want to add to that. I’d ask him about it regularly, but he said he had a handle on it. I thought he did. I should have known.”

 

“ _No_.” Shiro’s voice came out sharp. “This isn’t anyone’s fault. Lance actively hid this from you, from all of us, so there’s no one to point fingers at. What’s done is done, we know better now.”

 

“What was he on?” Pidge asked, still keeping her eyes away from the table. “I bet I can make something similar.”

 

“Celexa.” Hunk told her. “The dose wasn’t super high, but the stakes are the universe this time, not a piloting license.”

 

“Right, I’m gonna go start on that.” Pidge said, glad to have a reason to leave, even more glad it was for something useful.

 

Hunk turned when he heard Shiro talking again.

 

“Keith, look at me, not Lance.” Shiro had moved closer to him, placing a hand on his shoulder. Keith’s entire body had begun to violently shake, a tear finally slipping free.

 

“I-I found a _note_ . It said he was sorry, but it was safer for everyone. This _is_ my fault. I was going to apologize, for being a dick at least, but instead-” Keith’s voice faltered, and he didn’t have the energy to finish.

 

“Look, blaming ourselves isn’t going to help anyone, especially not Lance. What matters now is helping him.”

 

“Keith.” Allura spoke, before gesturing to Lance’s other arm, Keith’s fingers still wrapped tightly around it. When he let go, he saw a flask of light bruising from his grip before he had to look away again. It didn’t do him much good, though, because his gaze went right to his hands, where where was barely any of his skin visible anymore.

 

“C’mon, let’s get you cleaned up.” Shiro gave a firm tug on his elbow, taking him to the basin against the wall. Keith stuck his hands under the stream, watching blankly as the blood swirled away.

 

But no matter how many times he washed his hands, he knew he’d be seeing blood on them for a long time.

 

(*)

 

The first thing he registered was cold. Did that mean he was dead? No, this was too familiar.

 

Warm air then rushed into his face, and he began to fall forward before he had a chance to regain his bearings, but he didn’t get far before he hit something solid, warmth wrapping around his shoulders.

 

“Lance?”

 

The boy in question blinked a few times, looking up with slightly unfocused eyes. “...Shiro? What-” He stopped as his memory came rushing back, and he weakly pushed against the taller man’s chest.

 

“Nope, none of that.” Shiro’s grip tightened. Lance could see behind him where the whole team, minus Allura and Coran, were passed out in chairs, though he could see Keith beginning to stir from the noise. Lance turned his head away in shame.

 

He tried to pull back from Shiro again, if nothing else to stand on his own, but he quickly learned his legs weren’t too keen on the idea, barely holding him upright. If it weren’t for Shiro’s grip, he’d likely have topped over anyways.

 

“What’s- _Lance!”_ Keith snapped awake, instantly standing.

 

“Easy there, it’ll take you a few days to recoup all the blood you lost.” Shiro said when Lance tried to stand.

 

Keith pulled one of Lance’s arms around his neck without further prompting, leading him to the chair he’d been occupying before. Hunk and Pidge were beginning to rouse as well, both quickly coming to their senses when they realized Lance was awake.

 

“Dude, you scared the shit out of us!”

 

“Bro, you said you were okay.”

 

“Lance-”

 

 _“Stop_ for a second.” Lance held a hand up, the other rubbing at his forehead. “Just thawed out, gimme a sec.”

 

They fell silent almost immediately, but their questioning gazes were nearly as loud.

 

“Lance...what happened?” Shiro finally asked softly.

 

He turned bright red and his eyes dropped to the floor.

 

“I...I’m sorry. I just-I keep screwing up. Someone’s gonna get hurt because of me. I thought-”

 

“Thought what?” Keith interrupted. “Thought this would be better for everyone? You don’t get to make those kinds of decisions for us. Just what the hell-” he then cut himself off, his own words causing him to flinch. “I’m sorry. I was acting like an asshole before. And just now. And kind of in general. I know it’s not an excuse, but I lash out at people. It’s not their fault, it’s mine, and I’m sorry.”

 

Lance was stunned into silence after Keith’s apology.

 

“Dude, this is _so_ not handling it.” Hunk quipped after too much silence.

 

Lance let out a humorless laugh. “Yeah, I guess not.”

 

“Here.” Pidge held out a white bottle. “Hunk told me what you were taking before. This isn’t exactly the same, but it should work the same, one every morning. Let me know if I need to change the dosage.”

 

Lance’s stomach fluttered a bit at the notion his team had gone through the lengths to recreate his medication, just to help him. His eyes then strayed to his wrists.

 

There were matching sets of faint white lines in the skin, but otherwise it was completely healed.

 

“I…” His voice cracked. “Thanks.”

 

“Of course, Lance. If there’s something you need, all you have to do is ask.” Shiro said. “Because you’re not only a part of this team, you’re family.”

 

A few beams of sunlight began to streak through the thick rainclouds.

 

“C’mon, you should get some sleep.” Keith finally said, offering both his hand and a truce. Lance only spared it a glance before taking it.

 

They walked in silence all the way to his room, the other’s letting Lance have a bit of space after the whole ordeal, though he still suspected they would be keeping an eye on him for a long time.

 

Keith ducked out from under his arm as they reached the edge of his bed. Lance could stand, if just barely.

 

Then, Keith’s arms were around him again, but this time in an awkward hug.

 

“I really am sorry.” His voice was thick by Lances ear. “What I said was out of line. I was mad, and I took it out on you.”

 

There was a tense moment of hesitation before Lance reached up and hugged him back. “I guess we’re both pretty stupid, then.’

 

Lance let go first, and Keith let his arms fall as Lance plopped down onto the bed. “Tell you what, Mullet, I’ll make you a deal. You work on being less of an asshole, I’ll work on being less of a drama queen.”

 

The understatement seemed to have its intended effect as Keith’s lips twitched up in the smallest of smiles. “Fair enough. Now go to sleep.”

 

“Shut it, you’re not my real dad.”

 

“Gross.”

 

Keith left quickly afterwards, and Lance curled up in his bed.

 

For the first time in a long time, he could feel the warmth of the sun through the heavy bank of clouds.


End file.
